My Belle

I have been remiss. I have missed the opportunity to write down so many things that Belle has done or said, of things I have thought or wanted to remember or for her to remember.

Belle is having a hard time right now, she misses me. I am doing this by myself, and I am doing the best I can, and she misses me when I go to work. She is finally able to put her self to sleep for her naps and her bedtime, without nursing and without me laying beside her, whcih is an amazing accomplishment. But she misses me.

one of the reasons that i chose to co-sleep and i chose to nurse her has she got older, was because I do know that the hours I have to be away from her have an effect, and I wanted to keep our bond as close as possible in the hours we do have together. However, it was getting to the point that we were waking each other up too often in the night, that neither of us were getting a good night sleep, and it didnt appear as if these nights were leading to her being energized from lots of mama time, but more like, the neediness for mama was increased. that and the fact that I have a difficult time to get everything done in my life when I am going to bed with her at 2000. Did I make a mistake? what am I doing with the extra time? I do know that I dont appear to have the morning hours anymore. as she inevitably wakes up before me and wants to start nursing much earlier than before. are those hours in the evening worth this? And what am I doing with them? working?

I certainly dont want to go back to the time and place where she cant go to sleep without me and without nursing to sleep. but i wonder if i wasnt a bit healthier to go tosleep with her and then wake up extra early for some alone time, rather than doing it in the evening.

and how about co-sleeping? how is it that we cant seem to do that without waking each other up. I know now, she wakes up and wants me to pat her in her bed and that if she wakes up and i dont have my hands on her, then she really wakes up. would it be better if when i come to bed, i took her into bed with me? or if when she wakes up the first time, i took her into bed with me? Or, if i put her down in my bed to start with? She isnt ready it appears to sleep alone, others are saying, give her her own room. but what if that just terrifies her? as it is, she doesnt cry when I put her down, but her eyes well up as she says good night, she misses me.

what is the answer?

belle, when you ever read this... i want you to know, i am doing the best i can, and what i think is the best for yuo. i want you to be healthy and happy and well adjusted. and i am so afraid if you dont get good sleep, that that will impede all three of those wants I have for you.